A while back I experienced the worst possible thing that could happen to me, February. Febraury is by far the worst month of the year, and I really see the harm in writing the reasons down, because, I fear, that the gods will get wind of this nine months from now and mess with me again. But I can give a short(whiny) list of why I hate a succession of these 27(8, which is just another reason) days.
F- Football is over, and I realized I have nothing to look forward to every weekend.
E- everyone is buying people shit, Valentines Day
B- big people like to fall through your wall in your apartment, you know, giving the place a bigger sense of space, but there is still a huge fucking hole in the wall.
R- I am not acknowledging you, oh bane of my existence
U- ugly weather makes the exact same windshield wiper break three times in a row
A- also accidents, like drinking a few too many gin and tonics and take a girl home who you didn’t want to take home, spray mustard in her face, tell her to cook her own damn chicken, soiling yourself, and somewhere in the confusion utter the words “I lost my pants”
R- realize that you’ve been broken up with your ex for two whole years and you’re alone watching the Star Wars trilogy
Y- you get pulled over in front of your work, failing to have up to date plates, and have to appear in court
“A” aside, and never to be spoken of again, the last one is why I’m writing this down. I had to appear in court the other day for failing to have new plates, and failing to present proof of insurance because I got nervous and couldn’t find my card. I got a letter sent to me telling me my court date had been pushed to a week later and thought nothing of it. I suppose the city of Kirksville thought the same thing because I attended court with about 60 other people as well. I ended up getting there right at nine, which was just terrific, I had to watch just about every case that was presented that day.
I encountered a lovely woman with a Tasmanian Devil t-shirt who was called into court because she didn’t put a leash on a vicious animal. Well, at least that’s what the judge told her. She claimed that vicious dog was not in fact vicious, but friendly and playful, “it was only play biting.” The dog’s name was Demon. She was also cited for another vicious dog, who was aptly named “Killer.” I don’t really know, I’m not a scientist, but I would assume a dog named Daisy Candy Mountain Rainbow Smiles Glitter-kins, would not have a tendency to inflict harm on anyone, except maybe itself..
This reminded me of the time my brother’s obese cat bit him on the hand hard enough to draw blood. My mother dismissed it as “just a love bite.” Ryan then put on a band-aid. The cat put on twenty pounds. Clearly he was hungry.
I did meet a nice girl. She was involved in a car accident, by involved I mean she started it. She said someone ran out in front of her car while she was driving. We sat next to each other and made fun of the dumb people and ridiculous sentences the judge was handing down. A kid who just turned 21 was ordered a 100 dollar fine for littering one beer bottle, someone was given a 500 dollar fine just because her dog had no leash. Finally it was time for my friend’s case. I didn’t know her name, and then I figured out why, “The next case, Sunshine O’Flanagan.” I started to laugh, but then she got up... whoops. Lucky for me we were indoors and not near any gas pedals or steering wheels.
Court was an interesting experience and I suppose it was a good day though, I ended up showing the judge my stuff and was only hit with a 35 dollar fine. Needless to say, those four hours of court were probably the safest four driving hours the city must of ever had.
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